Decisions
I can be quite an opinionated person, as some friends know all too well as we debate the value of words late into the night… but this aspect doesn’t seem to translate too well into my ability to make decisions.
And I’m starting to think it isn’t just me...
That there is a culture of “pleasing” that exists among us… especially among women… maybe especially among Southern women. I’m not wanting to come down too harshly, because certainly there is something beautiful about being able to accommodate others and go with the flow, to put your companions, family members, and guests at ease because you have few needs. There is value in being able to see many sides of a situation, to being able to imagine all kinds of paths and outcomes and not be too attached to the route ahead.
What has been pointed out to me recently though, is that this accommodating might actually be a way in which I stay safe, and refrain from being vulnerable. It is far easier to say “yes” to what someone else wants or needs, to have the pleasure of pleasing another, than to name the thing I want and risk being perceived as needy, or hearing “no”, of hurting or disappointing another person, or worst of all, to risk that maybe the need or want that I have will not only go unmet, but that somehow that means I am not worthy of whatever I am asking for (that’s an internal construct, by the way… because who gets to decide my worthiness?).
I feasted on the book “Women Who Run with the Wolves” this past Winter and Spring, digesting it slowly as I sorted through each nourishing chapter… the following line stands out so clearly, referring to women and their ability to hear their intuition:
“We may try to be nice when we ought to be knowing.”
Knowing isn’t nice.
It is a tree in the storm.
It is true, and deep, and requires an internal strength in order to be vulnerable to the elements.
It is alive in the world.
Nice is the water that slips down the rock face, moving around the permanent parts of the earth, accommodating, but also seeping in, subtly and slowly and indirectly changing the shape of things without ever having to declare its path and take ownership of its impact.
When I am nice, not only do I put my own needs or wants aside, but I also put the burden of my own fate into another’s hands… a dangerous situation that yields ideal conditions for resentment to grow, for my own actions to fall outside of my set of values, for a de-centering to occur…For the rock to begin to crack.
I am practicing knowing.
Knowing what I want to eat for breakfast, and what I want to do for the day… knowing when it’s time to leave a place, or when I should just stay. Knowing when to speak up, and when to listen. When to follow a routine, and when to reject the well worn path.
It’s hard, scary, risky.
At times I judge myself for my lack of knowing…. Shouldn’t these be easy decisions?
But they aren’t.
They are decisions that impact MY life, and I am the one who should be making them.
At a time when so much is unknown in my future, sometimes it feels like each decision might have a defining impact on the direction I am setting.
I have to remember that the more I practice knowing and the more I let go of prioritizing nice, the easier it will get. It is a skill like any other. And as I gain ability in this arena, the next phase will be integrating my knowing into a world that I share with others, making decisions with others, compromising, collaborating, co-creating… and although I may do this in a way that is kind and caring, my intention is still to let go of nice… to be rooted in knowing.
Wildflowers and peaks
Views over Stanley, Idaho
To stay or go... from the hot springs
Alpine lake in the Sawtooth Mountains